Last week I answered a phone call from a crying friend of mine. I immediately asked her what was wrong...she didn't want to tell me but she wanted to be picked up and taken home. I stopped running my errands and left to drive her safely home.
When I picked her up she didn't look at me and she leaned over and cried. As harsh as this sounds, I didn't want to comfort her by sympathizing and telling her that everything would be alright. I wanted to help her in ways that she needed.
After knowing my friend for almost a year now, I have come to realize what kind of a friendship we have. I am not meant to be the friend that she can hang out with and enjoy spare time together. I am the friend that is the voice of reason. I am a support structure.
When people decide who their friends are they usually only include those that they usually talk to and spend time with. These friends are the friends that you can just complain to, vent to, laugh with, and relax with. Everyone, however, has at least one friend that falls under a different category. Where most friends give "support" and "structure" by always being there for each other no matter what goes on (both positive and negative) there will always be that one person that is the voice of reason...the person that understands and sees reality...the true support structure.
When I was driving my friend home I told her what she needed to hear. I didn't sympathize or comfort her...I gave her a dose of reality. I wasn't yelling...I wasn't arguing...I wasn't putting her down...but I was compassionate. The troubles in her life had led her to a situation where she no longer needed the hugs or embraces but rather a realization of reality and what was really important.
She had family troubles...she had relationship troubles...and she had concerns with her job...it felt as if her whole world was collapsing. I told her how it was. Just like I wrote in an earlier blog entry, it is what it is. I helped her prioritize the problems at hand. I told her that her love relationship is not that important. As much as it hurts to let him go, there is always someone else and she is still very young. I then told her that she has no control over her job. Although she was afraid of being let go there was nothing she could do to change the minds of her employers. The area that I told her to focus on was her family life. She was on the verge of getting kicked out and she had no other place to go. This is what was important. This is what she needed to worry about and correct.
She had always struggled with finding who she really was...she always tried to be the person that others wanted. She wanted to be something that she could never be due to the circumstances in her life. She was still on that journey of finding who she was and who she wanted to become. She needed to hear what the truth was.
As we pulled up to her house I gave her my honest opinion on her situation and how she could fix it. She asked me who I thought she was and who she thought she could become. As weird as this sounds, I simply told her that I could only see a positive future for her. I realized that if I told her what I thought she could become that she wouldn't grow to be the person that she wanted to be, but what I envisioned of her. She needed that advice...the support of a friend...a dose of reality to help her see what was important and what needed fixed.
The role that I played in her life experience is an example of a different kind of friend. I am not saying that I am by any means a great friend or that what I said was great or amazing...but there is a need for friends that are not afraid to tell it as they see it...
Everyone will at some point need that one person that can tell them exactly how it is...exactly how to fix the situation...no matter how harsh the truth is. Although many may call this unfair and extreme, it is important. If everyone tells you that it will be alright and only gives you hugs and "support" then how will you ever grow or solve life's problems?
Being this kind of friend is a very interesting experience and is a difficult role to play. The care and love that it takes to tell someone that they are wrong or that they "did this to themselves" is incomprehensible. You will never truly understand until you experience it. You love and care so much that you will do what it takes to ensure a positive outcome. You distance yourself enough to stay in contact but close enough to know what is going on...and when you are needed you will always be there. You never pursue them to help or give advice...you watch them struggle...you watch them hit rock bottom...and when they come around you help them pick themselves up and walk.
Often times, parents fall under this category. While many feel that parents are annoying...buzz kills...oblivious to what is "cool" or "fun"...and overly protective...the truth is that they are a different kind of friend. They watch you rise and fall throughout your entire life and when you truly need help they will be there and tell you exactly what went wrong...am I right? Do you realize now how much love and care that they have for you? It is not easy watching those that you love struggle and fail...it is not easy being disregarded, hated, unappreciated, and even sometimes not loved...it is not easy being the "keystone" in someone's support structure. Yet they do it everyday...time and time again.
If you are this kind of friend know that you will never be praised...you will never be recognized...you won't receive any awards...but your friendship and love will be noticed eventually in someone's life. It may be years down the road...but someday they will look back and appreciate what you have done.
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