<h4>Heroes Fading Away...</h4>

Disclosure:  this post will only stay up for as long as I deem necessary.  Whether it is a month, a week, a day, or an hour, it will be posted.  It will offend...but it is truth.  For those of you that truly know me, I am sorry.  But I am tired of watching.  It is time to be heard...

I have often admired those in my life that have always been an example.  My title for this entry will be explained in two separate meanings for my title; both of which involve heroes fading away.

My grandfather has recently passed away.  His death was an interesting experience for me.  Living most of my life in a different state meant that I was rarely able to see my extended family.  When we moved to Utah, I started to see how a family really works as a whole.  To be able to see all of my family love and appreciate each other was an amazing experience.  As time went on I had the privilege of living with my grandparents.  I was looking for a new experience and I was in search of a definition of what life could hold for me.  

While living there I became very close with my grandparents.  We would talk, laugh, shop, anything you can think of.  I will never forget those days at the table talking to my grandmother and sharing my thoughts on life...at the same time, however, I will never forget those days of helping care for my grandfather.  

To catch everyone up with who my grandfather was, he was a true example of a hero.  A hero doesn't need praise.  A hero doesn't need recognition or a reason.  They are a hero for who they are and what they stand for and believe in.  My grandfather was a great man.  He served the church with all of his heart.  He put his family on a pedestal and made sure that they always stayed atop and taken care of.  He never complained.  Even after he had his leg amputated, diagnosed with a rare blood cancer, and suffered through multiple heart attacks and strokes he never once complained and he still continued to care and serve others despite his pain and misery.  Whether he knew it or not, he was a hero.

When he died I was in his hospital room.  I will never forget that night.  Everyone was standing there crying and embracing one another...and I stayed by myself.  I guess I cope with loss by bottling it up and dealing with it on my own terms.  As I stood there, however, I started to reflect on my life.  What will life have in store for me?  What trials will be placed in front of me?  Will I ever be the man that my grandfather was?

I will not deny that in the days following that fateful night I shed some tears.  Not many, but I had my moments.  I hate showing my emotions...I hate feeling vulnerable...I hate feeling out of control.  I had an experience, however, that I have kept secret until now...but now I feel it necessary to share it.  

The day after his passing, I was trying to sleep on our couch and rest after a long emotional roller coaster.  I had a dream...and it was very odd.  The only part of this dream that stays within memory, however, is the part that didn't mesh with the rest.  At one point in my dream I was sitting in a church cultural hall alone.  All around me were the shadows of the room as I sat in complete darkness.  I started to cry and let my emotions go...I was confused.  Why do people that mean the most leave at the most inconvenient times?  To make things worse, the people that mean the most are usually the ones that you never think of...

It was at this moment that the room lit up...not with lights...but with a silver lining illuminating the edges of every object in the room.  I lifted my head expecting an angel...God...some heavenly being.  My grandfather was the person in front of me...no words were exchanged...but instead a loving embrace.  The moment lasted forever...

I then woke from my dream-like state and snapped back into reality.  What just happened?  

Although I may seem distant...although I seem like I don't care about what's going on...although most times I do not share my religion and what I believe with others...now is the time.  

My hero had passed away.  I never appreciated what I had in front of me.  I never realized how much he kept the family in order...he was so silent...but he was the glue.  My hero came to me in my time of need.  As my hero fades away physically, however, he will never leave his family in spirit.  

The dream I had never held any meaning until today.  I always just thought that it was a way to release my emotions.  I was wrong.  That dream is giving me the courage to finally stand up for what I believe is true...and what I will fight for.  My hero never let the situation get the best of him...and he always served others, especially his family.

I have struggled the last six years in many ways.  I have struggled mentally with my disorder.  I have struggled financially with my lack of a career, education, and the determination to change it.  I have struggled spiritually with finding what I truly believe in.  Although I will never stop growing, it is now time to display what I have learned and show what I have become.

I have always taken my immediate family for granted.  They have stood by me for all these years guiding me, supporting me, and helping me succeed and be the person that I have always wanted to be.  Because of my struggles, I have never been able to pay them back.  For any of you that read this (Mom, Dad, Breck, Jade, Patrick) I will now be there for you.  Just like my grandfather was a hero for his family, I will do my best to be there for you.

My family has endured a lot during these last few years.  We struggled lifting a business off of the ground.  We struggled fitting in.  Ultimately, we left our old life behind in search of a better life.

What we found, however, was much more rewarding than anything you can buy, earn, achieve, or be given.  We found each other.  We found unity.  We found love.  We found happiness.

My family is what keeps me going on.  They are the real heroes.  They fight, and fight, and fight...and most of the time they never win.  They serve, and help, and give...even when it feels like and appears like they have nothing.  Most importantly, they never lose faith. 

I have gone through many difficult times where I lost faith in everything...God, family, friends, life...not them.  They have always held their heads high.

It is in these times that you find what is really important...the love and unity that my family has developed will never be stripped from us.  

I mentioned earlier that this entry will portray the two meanings of my title...here goes number two.

Many heroes are starting to fade away.  Not in terms of life, but in spirit.  Those that I have always respected...those that I thought I knew...all of them are letting me down.  

Family...what does that mean?  Not a definition...but what it actually means and symbolizes?  Unity?  Support?  Love?  How about all three?  So, with this said, where is my family now?  Where are you when we need you?

My family has been on the outskirts from both sets of extended family from the day we moved to Utah.  My father's side has always been afraid to show their true emotions and feelings.  All of you pretend that you love each other and support one another...and in most cases it is true.  There are instances with all of you, however, where you turn your backs on one another.  Why?

Some of you think that just because you offer a helping hand you deserve praise and the world's recognition.  Some of you feel like if you don't say anything that all of your problems with certain family members will go away but that it is okay to talk about it behind people's backs.  Here's a question - did the problems go away?  Did you receive your praise?

I love and respect all of you.  But you have all disappointed me.  My family is not perfect...but we have always been there for you...we have always tried our best to be there for you.  We have supported and loved all of you.  We have been that definition that symbolizes family.  So why in our darkest time of need do you all turn your backs on us?

We are told that people are disappointed in us.  We are told that we need to get real jobs and support ourselves.  We are told that we should be a certain way and act a certain way.  Is this your definition of love?  Support?  Unity?

Why do you all feel the need to kick us when we are obviously down?  Why is it that when we need all of your support that most of you decide to criticize us and tell us how we failed?  Why aren't we getting the love and support that we deserve from a family?

In my previous entry I talked about three different types of family.  I used to think that I was living within the positive type...I was wrong.  We are a mixture of low expectations and high expectations.  Some of you think that we will never get out of our situation and that we are doomed to live this way while others expect us to be something we will never be.  Is that your definition of an ideal family? 

Instead of telling us how to live, help us.  Be that positive family I know you all can be.  Guide us, support us, love us, and help us get out of our own situation.  We aren't asking for money.  We aren't asking for you to solve our problems.  We never have and we never will.  We want the support and love that we deserve from a family.

Some of you, however, have been there for us.  I appreciate it more than you will ever know and I thank you for always being there.  As a whole, however, I am disappointed.  

I am sorry if this has offended any of you.  I am sorry if you have changed your mind on who you think I am.  I do not care any more.  Grandfather never would have acted this way.  He never would have let his family suffer and struggle.  He was the hero.  

Whether my dream was just a coping mechanism or not, it has allowed me the courage to finally say what has been on my mind for years, especially recently.  I want my family back.  I want me heroes to be the heroes I thought they were.  I will always love you...I will always consider you family...but as my heroes you are fading...

Maybe I just don't get it.  Maybe I am the confused one...and maybe I am completely wrong.  This is how you have made me feel...whether it is true or not...this is the perception that you have created.

I love you all.