I am usually against writing personal feelings...but unfortunately I feel like I need to.
Life is great. Fantastic even. There is a void, however, that I find harder and harder to fill.
As time goes on, people grow. My sister is now getting married and with that comes the realization that I am about to give my best friend away to a great guy. All of my friends from the last few years are happily married and venturing out on their own. The struggle with all of this....where does that leave me?
While I am very happy, I find myself struggling to stay 'sane'. I find myself daily trying to take my mind off things by etching designs into wood or making desk lamps from scratch...and at first I thought that I was just stressed with the end of my schooling or working too much...but I finally know what is 'weighing' my mind down - the lack of companionship.
With my few friends being married...or soon to be married...I really do not have any companionship other than my family. With my father out of town every 6 days, I try to take care of my mother...and my siblings still at home. I never really thought anything of it. I let them use my car...I pick my siblings up and take them places...I help around the house...I fix broken cars and accessories...I help my younger siblings with my homework (which, on a side note, it is really cool to get 12 'A's in one semester)...I like feeling like people depend on me. I like knowing that I help. I like knowing that I make a difference...but my family are not people my age...or people with my maturity...or girls that I would like to befriend.
I hate being alone. Loathe it. While I love my space and my privacy, I ultimately hate being the only one around. I love being needed. I love taking care of others. It is the one feeling that I know will make me happy no matter what my circumstances in life are...but sometimes it would be nice to be taken care of.
I try to be the strong silent type...but I am very loud, and in my opinion, funny...I like to act independent and macho...but I still tear up in movies...I like to show that I am okay on my own...but even I need someone from time to time...
In many ways I feel...like I am missing out on my young adult years. I have been so focused on growing up and taking care of my family that I have no friends to just 'hang out' with. I wouldn't trade my experiences with my family for anything though...they are my support and it is nice to give back and support them...
I guess all I want is a best friend. I want someone other than my family that is willing to get to know me...not just the loud, joking, sarcastic, nice guy...but the serious side as well. Unfortunately, at my age guys are not the best option for 'best friends'......but that is just life for you.
Now many of you are probably thinking that I am super depressed...but I am not. Like I mentioned above I am very happy. I am very proud of my life and enjoy the benefits of my family and my progress. But in some ways I do feel like a 'sea of one in an ocean of many'.
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