Over the past few years I have come to the conclusion that I am not an overly emotional person. Although I am very emotional both spiritually and temporally I prefer to keep these feelings hidden. I'm not really sure why or how this came about...but it is now a complex element of my personality.
My family is a very large form of support and love in my life. They are always there for me...even when I put them through enormously large amounts of grief. It is hard for me to tell them how much they mean to me...I think a lot of it comes from my past circumstances with them. I hate reliving my past. I can laugh and enjoy the mockery of all my extremely crazy thoughts and behaviors...but as soon as the memories of me hurting my family come into play I shut down...
I hate those memories. They torment me. I often remember them and realize just how far I have come...how much they love me and I them. Those memories are a large wound that may never heal. Even if our relationships were perfect and everything I did was forgotten I would still feel the fires inside burning as if I was right there living the experience all over again.
It is in this way that I believe I have a hard time expressing my love and appreciation for them. Although they can continue...forgive and forget...I can't. I am slowly making progress...but in all reality I still don't forgive myself. I was a monster...a very sick and twisted monster, even if it was only caused by mental instability.
Because I can't forgive myself I believe that I distance myself. I instead choose to give small acts of gratitude and appreciation in place of showing raw emotion. The deep conversations that I have with my brother...the memories and friendship of my sister...the support for my other sister...all of the moments of wrestling with my father...shopping and watching movies with my mother...these are all of the ways that I show my love for my family.
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